Musings
by tartuffle
Summary: A collection of drabbles and prompts taking place at some point in the Glee universe. They are in no particular order.
1. I'm Still Here

"Kurt, you know you don't have to do this now."  
Kurt sighed deeply, rolling the bottle of pain-pills between his hands. He knew he didn't _have_ to. His professors at NYADA had all understood why he hadn't been attending class that week thanks to one Burt Hummel. Even Madame Tibideaux, tight turban and all, had given him permission to reschedule his mid-winter critique. But Kurt was tired. He was tired of running and hiding from the bullies and the fear that had held him back for so long. From the parts of his past that he always wished he could have changed – the parts where he could have stood up and refused to be the victim.

He was tired of the pain medication that made him drowsy on a good day – which is exactly why he refused to take it for this. He was tired of seeing the cuts and bruises. Not for what they represented, (he still secretly hoped one of them would scar). But it was because he was tired of the pity. Of the pure devastation that would fall on Blaine's face whenever he delicately traced a finger down the length of the cuts on their nights alone in the hospital. Of the guilt that remained in Rachel's eyes even after their heart-to-heart the night before. Of the unadulterated rage that still graced his dad's conversations.

But he was ready. He knew future fights were inevitable, whether they were fights in dark alleyways with homophobic strangers or verbal slays with Rachel after she inevitably did something ridiculous. It was time to start fighting.

"Yeah. Yeah I do." He muttered groggily. "I can't stop fighting now, especially when I've just learned to start fighting back. And at least no one in there will have a brick," he joked. He reached out for Blaine's hand and wrapped it around the bottle. Tears slowly trailed down Blaine's face as he pocketed it, a frown marring his face. Kurt tipped his chin up and kissed him lightly on the lips. "It's okay Blaine. I'm still here. I'm still here." 


	2. No One is Alone

Kurt hadn't been smiling, and Sam was worried.

At first, he thought it was because of the epic Loft-Battle-Royale-of-2014 between him and Blaine. To Sam, it would be totally understandable to be unhappy after an explosive fight like that with your fiancé (he would know - he was living with Blaine after all, and was regaled with the stories as Blaine slowly immersed himself deeper into Star Wars fanfiction and seemingly endless bowls of ice cream). Yet, even after everything was resolved between the two, after the move out and after the drama of the situation had faded into nothing but a memory, Kurt still wasn't smiling.

When he heard about Russ, the friend of Kurt's and Rachel's neighbor, it made more sense. Sam had known that Blaine had been staying over at the loft more and more frequently with each passing day (and night), but was under the assumption that it was because the two lovers wanted some time alone. After swearing him to secrecy, Blaine revealed these sleepovers were far from the romantic rendezvous he had imagined them to be having- Kurt had been having nightmares.

So when Kurt insisted upon going to the candlelight vigil, Sam was quick to volunteer to go with if only to keep an eye on him. Which he did. Sam watched as Kurt placed the two white roses at the memorial and wondered what he must be feeling. Here he was in New York City, the city of his dreams, where he felt he could be accepted and escape the tortures and abuse he faced in Ohio - only to be confronted with them all over again. In the city that advocated for equality of all persons, that was supposedly so safe and so accepting, until suddenly, it wasn't any of those things anymore. Sam could only imagine how he would feel if someone was going around assaulting people like him or the woman he loved for merely walking home at night. He would have nightmares too. He wonders if one of the roses Kurt places is for himself – a physical representation of remembrance of what he thought he had left behind, or in memoriam of the New York he once knew and cherished so much.

He was there when Blaine got the call from the hospital, attempting to comfort him the best he could while fighting down his own despair and anger at the situation. He meant what he said to Mercedes, that he wished he could kill those people. The people who dared to hurt his friend and to cause all of them such pain in the process. He wasn't at all surprised when Kurt didn't smile when he woke up, because honestly – what was there to smile about?

But after Kurt was released from the hospital and was slowly weaned off of the heavy medication he had been taking, after suffering abuse and bigotry in the worst way imaginable, Kurt slowly began to smile again. It was slight at first, just the smallest upturn at the corner of his mouth whenever he was feeling particularly amused by Blaine's fretting or Burt's antics. But as their small, disjointed New York family raised their glasses to Kurt the night before his mid-winter critique, he smiled a smile Sam hadn't seen in a long time. Suddenly, Sam wasn't so worried anymore. He knew Kurt was going to be okay.


	3. Loser Like Me

"Who said you have to lose anything?" Mercedes asked Rachel, confusion laced in her tone.  
"Okay then, you know what you guys?" Rachel sighed as she wrapped her arms around. "Let's make a deal. Six months from now we all come back right here to this place. Because I'm going to need something to look forward to. If I've learned anything from this year it's that you guys are my life."

"You guys are my life."

"You guys are my life."

"You guys are my life."

Kurt's hand tightened on the handle of his umbrella. The rain was coming down in sheets, soaking everyone and everything in its path and silencing the typical noise that usually pervaded the city at this hour of the day. While it did hinder his view of the faces of those people braving the weather and passing him by on the semi-crowded street, it was painfully apparent that it wasn't hiding the six people he had hoped he would be seeing. The six people who had made some half-cocked agreement of reunion made six months earlier. The six people who had promised friendship, promised resilience, promised safety – none of which Kurt felt in this moment as he stood alone.

Because for all that they had promised in their five years together, this is the promise he had hoped that would hold; one that he would be able to fall back on. He had spent most of his life as an outsider. It wasn't until he joined Glee that he began to connect to people again and break down his innermost walls, and even then it took time. He always maintained his defensive attitude and never felt like he truly belonged either with the guys or the girls. No one had truly made him feel included.

Except Blaine.

Blaine had been the one to break down all of his barriers. He was the one who showed Kurt the most kindness and compassion and _love _that never asked for anything but to be loved in return. He showed Kurt the true meaning of intimacy not only the physical sense, but in the emotional. Because from the moment they met Blaine had never hid or censored his emotions from Kurt or from the world. He felt deeply and passionately and it showed in every nuance of his character whether he was angry, or happy, or sad. And the amount of love he held for Kurt was expressed in the same deep-hearted passion as anything else, and yet had seemed so much more. It seemed grander – whether in the large romantic gesture of his proposal or the simplicity of the interlacing of their hands as they walked down the street together.

And Kurt had ruined that and had thrown it all away after a strenuous day and an argument about toothpaste. 

"Maybe," he thought sadly as he turned and headed for the entrance of the building, "maybe I'm meant to be alone. Or maybe I need therapy."


End file.
